i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I am spending my child support on dildos
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
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The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
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It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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