my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
