Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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