i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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