Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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