I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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