Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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