her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
