Are we in a gay sports bar?
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
PANTIES FOUND
Randomize
