did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
