I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
sarcasm needs its own font
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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