Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
