In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
