from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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