Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
