Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
