My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
either way he was missing a nipple.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
