we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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