OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
