you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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