I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
