the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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