He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
