I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
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