I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
