Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
