She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
