come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
