you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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