someone threw a dead crab at me
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
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