I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
