I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
