Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
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