he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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