he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
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just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
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There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
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