I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
