no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Randomize
