I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
