My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
even my farts smell like vagina
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Randomize
