So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Your topless pictures make me question reality
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
