She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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