Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
