C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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