I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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