can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
