I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
