I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My pussy is not your playground.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
