Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
