Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
