Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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