I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
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I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
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The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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