if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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