i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
