think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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