i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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